Hot & Not in Hollywood

My Fellow Flufficans…

An inaugural address by Big Bird, 8-foot-tall advocate of naps, snacks, and emotional literacy

Today, we gather not as red states or blue states, but as snack-loving, nap-needing, emotionally fragile voters who just want someone to listen without yelling.

I stand before you: 8 feet tall, covered in feathers, and emotionally available. The era of tantrum politics is over. From now on, we govern with kindness, cookies, and a firm belief that sharing isn’t socialism. It’s just good manners.

Let me be clear: I didn’t run for power. I ran because I saw a nation divided by noise. A nation where empathy was labeled “weak,” where facts were optional, and where birds were blamed for wind turbine fatalities. I say: enough.

Under my administration, we will implement universal nap time. We will fund snack breaks in every workplace. And yes, we will finally pass the Hug Act, because even Congress deserves a cuddle.

We will rebuild our infrastructure, not just roads and bridges but the emotional scaffolding of our society. We will teach conflict resolution through puppetry. We will replace filibusters with sing-alongs. And we will ensure that every citizen, regardless of age, race, or species, knows how to count to 10 without crying.

To those who doubted me, who said a bird could never lead, let me remind you: I’ve been teaching civic values since Nixon. I’ve survived budget cuts, cable news outrage, and a suspicious number of hurricanes. I’m still fluffy. And I am still here.

To my predecessor, Mr. Trump: I thank you for your service, your enthusiasm, and your commitment to making every microphone fear for its life. I promise to govern with less yelling, fewer hats, and significantly more feathers.

And finally, to the children of this nation, who watched this campaign unfold with wide eyes and sticky fingers, I say: this is your country now. Let’s build it with crayons, compassion, the courage to be kind, and enough glitter to blind cynicism.

And yes, when the Kennedy Center calls, I won’t honor myself. I’ll perform a 12-hour filibuster entirely in puppetry, featuring a dramatic reenactment of Watergate using only felt and googly eyes. Because that’s what leadership looks like when you’re 8 feet tall, emotionally fluent, and legally recognized as both bird and national treasure.

Thank you. Now please rise for the national anthem, performed by Elmo and the Count with backup vocals by the Electric Mayhem. Choreography is by Snuffleupagus, and pyrotechnics are courtesy of Oscar the Grouch’s flaming recycling bin. Confetti will be launched from Cookie Monster’s mouth. Big Bird will descend from the rafters in a glitter harness. And yes, the lyrics have been rewritten to include the word “snack” twelve times. This is democracy, feathered and fabulous.