Hot & Not in Hollywood

He moves through the American legal system like it’s a national park brochure he skimmed once, upside down. Not running across football fields or philosophizing about shrimp, while navigating a maze of subpoenas with the grace of a man trying to declassify a bucket of fried chicken best served cold… with a side of obstruction.

Nuclear secrets end up in guest bathrooms. Executive privilege gets sipped through a straw. And somewhere between the ketchup packets and the court filings, he’s still convinced the trees are talking to him, like a man who believes every drumstick is a state secret.

He doesn’t walk through the forest. He agitates it and litigates it.

Every fallen tree is a whistleblower. Every rustling leaf leaks a memo. And somewhere deep in the woods, he’s holding a box of sealed indictments, each one labeled with a date and a jurisdiction. He calls it treason, and he blames the trees. They won’t shut up. Now, the wind sounds too much like a deposition.

The Box Itself

Inside this metaphorical container of legal peril:
• Georgia RICO charges, nestled beside ketchup packets and a Sharpie
• Federal counts for mishandling classified documents, folded like origami and stored in a Mar-a-Lago bathroom
• A note scribbled in all caps: “I ALONE CAN DECLASSIFY THIS. ALSO, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.”
It’s not a sampler. It’s a buffet of consequences.

The Forest as a Legal Metaphor

In Forest Trump’s America, the trees don’t just fall. They’re cut down. Then they testify. The soil is rich with NDAs. The squirrels are wiretapped. And every path leads to a courtroom, where the judge isn’t sure if the trees have standing or just clearance issues.

He hears a tree fall. He blames Biden. He calls it fake news. Then he tries to sell the echo.

Life Writes Receipts, People Are Riddles

This isn’t parody for parody’s sake. These are real filings, real charges, real judges:

• DOJ v. Trump: 37 counts, including willful retention of national defense information
• Georgia Grand Jury: RICO charges for election interference
• Manhattan DA: Hush money payments and falsified business records
• Mar-a-Lago Bathroom: Verified storage site for sensitive documents
• Judge Aileen Cannon: Assigned to oversee the classified docs case despite prior rulings favoring Trump

The punchline is docketed.

~ * ~ Stay tuned, stay savage, stay sparkly — Holly out. ~ * ~